Sadness

I guess I started a post with these pictures quite a while ago (like the beginning of May)... and never finished. So I guess I can do it now.It seems to me that every couple of weeks, I hit a 'slump' in my life. It happened during the school year, and it is most definitely happening now. I won't say that I'm depressed, because I'm not. But I'm also not in a state of contentment or constant happiness.
Now I know many of you are thinking "I don't know anyone who is constantly happy!" Or, maybe you do know someone who is like that. But this constant state of happiness (that I'm currently talking about) is not a physical state of happiness. It's a mental and emotional state.

There are many things I know I should be doing to change that mental and emotional state, but I don't. I don't know why. I just don't. Just like I never graduated with my Associates from (now) UVU because I just 'didn't' want to type up in Q&A format my final for my Entrepreneur class (but that's a butt kicking for another post).

A side effect of "beating myself up" over not changing things to help me feel better, is that I feel small and insignificant (P.S. that is my thumb next to the feather. I can't recall just how I saw the feather, but it caught my attention and I knew I was going to use it in a post). Now, I know that I am not small and insignificant. I know that there are many, many people who would notice my absence. I know that whether or not I realize it, I influence many people around me (I hope it's all positive influence...).

Why do we not do things that we know would help us to feel better? Why do we not seek out for help when we think we need help? Why do we 'suffer' in silence?? On the flip side: Why do we not reach out and help those who we see struggling? Why do we wait to be asked for help, instead of offering it first? Why do we wait to be acted upon instead of first acting?

I have seen and heard many things this past school year that have really set my head spinning. The most shocking of them all is that it wasn't from the kids. I love the people I work with. They are wonderful people. But, Oh. My. Word. Grow up!! Truth be told: there were things that I did and said this past year that I am ashamed of. I acted on emotion at times, instead of thinking about the 'better' way to handle things. But when that happened, I always tried to make it right and, if nothing else, apologize for it.

Many things were said, by teachers, about me last year. They hurt. Especially when I learned of what was said - from the kids. "Hey, Miss O! My teacher said..." "Hey Miss O, you're..." and when asked why they said that, "cuz that's what my teacher said"

Really people? Really?? Now I know I'm a difficult person to live with, so I imagine that after 10 years at the same job, I'd be difficult to work with too. But on that same note, after 10 years at the same job, I'd imagine I'm pretty damn good at what I do!!! So please, if you have to complain about me and call me names, DON'T do it in front of your class. Have you so little self-respect that you have to bash on your co-workers to kids that are under the age of 13?

I know I have said negative things about co-workers. But I never do it in front of the kids. And then, when I do, I say what I need to say (or think I need to say) and I leave it. I don't spread it through the entire faculty like a disease.

How are we ever supposed to teach kids how to behave and think when, as adults, we can't even behave and think properly? Let's stop the whole "mom against dad" thing and get on the same page! Don't blame your problems and lazy-ass ness on the principal or other co-workers. We want the kids to be responsible and accountable for their actions? Then we all need to be too! So we have a new principal that changes things up a little bit. So what? Adapt to the change and get over yourself. You are not the god of the school. Things are not run the way YOU want them to be run. I have to tell myself that every day. I think recess should be handled one way, but it doesn't work that way. I swallow my pride, and do what I'm told to do. I don't like it, but I do it.

I am not saying that the principal is the god of the school either. She also has to do things she doesn't like to do. She also does not get her way in every situation. If you think she does, then you are wrong. If we can't work as a team on every level, then it will all fall apart; one brick at a time.

I will be honest... I have debated about whether or not to go back to the school in the fall. There are other schools I could work at. I have experience to get me another 'office' job somewhere else. This past year was a hard, emotional year. I don't know if I'm mentally stable enough to handle another stressful year (don't send me to the loony bin yet...)


*I just realized that this post took on a completely different tune than how it started. Wow. But I do feel better. And I will be back at the school in the fall, because I have a good job that I love! I work with wonderful people and I love being able to interact with the kids and watch them grow.

Disclaimer: the latter end of this post was not directed at any one person. Not all of my co-workers exhibit the above mentioned atrocities. Nor do I direct my negative speech at all of my co-workers. Please do not assume that you know 'who' I am talking about. Muchas Gracias!