Grade: F

Fail: 1- be unsuccessful in achieving one's goal. 2- neglect to do something. 3- break down; cease to work well.

Failed: 1- not achieving its end or not lasting; unsuccessful. 2- not functioning properly; broken-down.

Failing: 1- a weakness, esp. in character; a shortcoming

Failure: 1- lack of success. 2- the omission of expected or required action. 3- the action or state of not functioning.

I feel like all of these words right now.
I know that these feelings are from the Dark Side.
I know that I haven't really (or am not a) 'fail'-ed, -ing, -ure at all.
After I finish this post, I will inevitably feel better and can focus on feeling happy again.

Here is why I am feeling this today:

I have had the church calling of being over music in the Young Women's program for about two years now. I started with good steam, making sure things were done (even earlier than necessary) and set so no one was "waiting on music". I had such dreams and goals of teaching everyone something wonderful about music, helping them to understand the importance of good music, and helping the YW develop their talents - whether in singing, playing piano, playing another instrument, conducting music, or even just being able to read music. I have a deep love and appreciation for good music, and I wanted to convey that feeling to the YW in my ward.

I have tried my best to do what I felt I should do, but have never felt like I was "a part" of the YW leadership, or even supported in what I was trying to do. I started dropping the ball on being prepared. Then I'd get that spark back and get on top of things again. But still not feeling supported, I again let things go. It seemed that no matter what I did, I was now one step behind what they needed and when.

Today in church, our YW provided the program for our first meeting. There were three musical numbers, none of which I was a part of. I should have been... but I took myself out of the equation (fail) because I was having a "hard time" and didn't want to 'taint' the beautiful spirits of our YW. I listened and tried to feel the spirit. But all I could think was "you should have been a part of this! You should have been there to help them learn those songs. It's your own fault for feeling this way today!" so on and so forth. To nail the coffin shut, one of the leaders got up to say a few words and said that she was impressed with the YW in being able to put together all of the musical numbers ON THEIR OWN. I do not believe that she intended that statement to hurt me, but it did- because I know that I was not doing what I should have been doing (fail).

What kind of a leader am I, setting this bad example of having a calling to do something, and then not doing it? Yet I get upset with other people when they do the same thing? Hypocrite!

I could blame my attitude on the fact that I (still) don't "fit in" in my ward. I am still stuck between the "with kids" and the "youngers". I don't have a place. Adults with kids see me as a child (because I don't have kids), and the 'kids' see me as some 'old' goofy 'kid' who isn't an adult to deserve the 'respect' that other adults get. Many people think I am younger than I am - because I don't have kids, and I act like it. It sometimes bothers me.

I could also blame my attitude on the fact that I think "no one understands". Which is a total lie. I know that I have friends who understand and who I can talk to about things. Why do I keep trying to use the "do it myself" card. I know I can't do it myself, I need help. We all need help sometimes.

Mostly, I blame myself for just being selfish. "Well, if THEY are not going to make me feel a part of them, why should I try" "THEY do not make me feel welcome here" "THEY should be making the effort to make me feel included" Where is my part in all of this?? Isn't it MY job to feel a part of them? Isn't it MY job to help them feel welcome when I'm around? Isn't it MY job to be making an effort to include others?

I realize that things go both ways and that we can all only do what we can, but what kind of message am I sending to others when I don't do what I expect them to do? Maybe I am being really hard (and wrong) on myself right now. Frankly, I don't care. Sometimes, we need a reality check and if I can't get it from someone else, I may as well try to recognize it about myself. We are all our own worst enemy.

All that being said, I do try my best to be honest and fair with everyone.

In other news, Rachael is doing better (I realize that if you haven't read my Facebook posts, you will not know what I'm talking about - Rachael has been in the hospital for the last week due to an abscess on her appendix bursting) and should be home soon. Judy Miller (Rachael's grandmother) passed away last Thursday morning and her funeral is tomorrow. I was able to sit with Rachael in the hospital for a number of hours last Wed night so that her mom, Becky (one of my best friends) could be with her mom and other family members, in preparation for Judy's departure.
My niece, Chloe, had surgery on her eyes to correct a problem last week and she is speedily recovering from that; and is able to see better.
I have not heard recently about April's grandmother, so I hope she is doing well.
Jamie's cat also passed away last week and Jamie has been busy and stressed, so we haven't had time to talk.
Allison is pregnant (yay!!), Linda just had her baby girl. My sister, Kati, is getting married in April. My cousin, Aaron, is getting married in May. I am still waiting to meet my eternal companion and start my own family.
Play practices are... going. It is frustrating knowing that performances are the end of March, and the leads still don't know all of their lines!! There are only a few bits of music left to figure out (a couple of reprises and the bow music), so that is good.
Marvin the Martian flip flops showed up in my mail box... that was a fun surprise that totally made my day! Thank You Fry's!!
I don't even want to get started on Stake Sports right now. Suffice it to say that of the 9 weeks we have had for tournament, only one week was not changed on the schedule. I have had to make a new schedule almost every week, and now we have had to add another building to play in. I am frustrated and tired of having to make new schedules, to allow for other people to use the building, when I was the one who properly scheduled the building back in Nov/Dec!
I can't think of anything else to say right now. *breathe*

These have been the goings-on of late. One way or another, they have affected my life. I pray for all those who are mentioned at all in this post (and others who are not mentioned).
I feel better now that I have 'vented' about my failure (in regards to YW music). Hopefully my next post will be of a 'lighter' subject again :)

I love my life. I love my job. I love my callings. I love my family. I love my friends. I love my Heavenly Father and my Savior.