Friday, December 12, 2008

Holiday Diet

The following diet is designed to help you cope with the stress, paranoia, depression and delusion that builds during the holidays...

Breakfast
* 1/2 grapefruit
* 1 slice whole wheat toast
* 8 oz. skim milk

Lunch

* 4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
* 1 cup steamed spinach
* 1 cup herb tea
* 1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon snack
* The rest of the Oreos in the package
* 2 pints Rocky Road ice cream, nuts, cherries and whipped cream
* 1 jar hot fudge sauce

Dinner
* 2 loaves garlic bread
* 4 cans or 1 large pitcher of Coke
* 1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
* 3 Snickers bars

Late-Evening news
*Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

RULES FOR THIS DIET:
* If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

* If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

* When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
* Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

* If you fatten up everyone else around then you look thinner.

* Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls.

* Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

* Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.

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