Shut my mouth... I guess...

I don't know why things happen when they do, but last night I was told something that literally sent an avalanche of questions, thoughts, and emotions pummeling my brain. I don't profess to be perfect, I know I am farthest from it, but maybe I'm not as in check with myself as I thought I was. Every once in a while, someone will tell me something about myself and it takes me back and this pummeling avalanche happens... it sucks every time it happens and sometimes takes a long time to get over. I hope this is not one of those times that takes a long time to get over.
I have noticed that sometimes when I joke with people about things, it is not seen as a joke, so I try extra hard to make sure people know when I'm joking. Sometimes the way I say things is not how I had intended them to come out of my mouth, so I try to think about it in my head first, to make sure it will come out how I intend it to be said. Last night a friend told me that she felt she couldn't do anything right by me. I asked her what she meant and after a moment she said I was always criticizing things she did and said. I was so taken back by this that the only thing I could even think to say was 'then I'll quit talking'. She said 'no, don't stop talking' and I replied "if everything that comes out of my mouth sounds like criticizing then I need to quit talking because I don't purposely mean to do it and I don't even realize if I am doing it."
I started trying to think of when I had been critical of her. I am still trying to figure it out, but perhaps this is one of those times when something I did or said did not come across as I had wanted, but instead came across as me being unhappy with something she did or said and she received it as me being critical of her.
I had a hard time falling asleep last night because of all the thoughts going through my head... am I so selfish that I don't realize when I'm being mean to people? Am I really that mean to people? What do I need to change? How am I going to change? How long has this been going on? Why has nobody told me about this sooner? I think I'm going crazy. Why won't these thoughts (and many many more) stop so I can go to sleep? Along with these thoughts enter in the emotions: sad, confused, frustrated, helpless, feeling loss, wanting to cry, upset, concerned, flabbergasted, etc.
I had to turn on some music to 'side-track' my mind into calming down so I could sleep. Of course, the fact that I still couldn't breathe through my nose and I was still coughing didn't help either. I did finally make it to sleep and except when I coughed, I slept all night and my alarm at 6:10 this morning came too early. I don't know how I feel about it all today. I guess it still bothers me enough that I feel I need to write about it in my blog...
I just don't know what to do. I'm the kind of person that if you ask me to do something, I'm going to do it and if something happens and I'm told I don't have to do it anymore, I get upset and questions flood my mind: did they think I wouldn't do it? did they think I wouldn't do a good job? was I too slow in getting it done? why don't they want me to do it anymore? so on and so forth. I don't like being a disappointment to people and if I'm asked to do something, I WILL do it. If I am told to not do it anymore, my brain automatically flips to degrading self-talk. I understand that people sometimes change their mind in an effort to help keep my life more sane and to feel for themselves that they are not 'using' me too much, I appreciate that - but understand where I'm coming from.
There's much more I'm sure I could write about in an effort to rationalize or justify myself and my thoughts, but it's all sounding repetitious to me right now; and since I am at work, then that's what I need to do now ... work. I hope that if that friend from last night reads this, then know I am not mad or upset at you for saying what you did. I hope this entry maybe casts a little light on why I reacted to the situation the way I did. I am sorry for appearing as though I am unhappy with everything you do - I'm not. I hope I get up the nerve to talk to you about this face to face. I do appreciate you and your friendship!